Dearest Friends: The Cliff Notes Version
The holiday season is upon us – and with it comes the annual arrival of the Family Holiday Letters. Just once, I’d like to receive a holiday letter that tells it like it really is. But for now, I’ll settle for translating into real life English one of my favorites.
December, 2006
Dear Cherished Friends and Family,
(Translation: If you’re on Mom or Dad’s BlackBerry or are one of the kids’ My Space friends – i.e. approximately 732 of their nearest and dearest – you’re receiving this.)
We want to wish you all a very Merry X-Mas, Happy Hanukkah, Wonderful Kwanza, Fabulous Festivus, Wacky Winter Solstice, and Totally Terrific 2007! Well, it's that time again. So just what has our fun foursome been up to?
We’ve seen some exciting times in ‘2006. Kevin is now a full-time consultant (When not meeting his colleague Bambi for business meetings at the local Motel 6, he’s sacked out on the couch.) Kristie continues to keep busy with the kids and household. Her latest project? Cataloguing the condiments. (She alphabetized the spice rack one night at 2 am during a diet pill-induced high).
The kids are both super-busy with sports, school, and their social scenes. Kev Jr. had to take a break from his ultra-competitive travel soccer team (Kev Sr. punched out his coach) to focus on his own lucrative computer company (He’s addicted to on-line poker). And Kendall’s working hard at her studies (Mom "edited" her term paper on “The Importance of Ethics in Contemporary Society”) but still finds time for friends old and new–she’s such a people person! (She’s hooking up with guys from the Looking4Luv chat room). Even our golden retriever Kasey has had a great year; he’s really settled down (We upped his Prozac).
Hope things are equally super with you and yours!
Love & hugs from Kristie & Kevin, Kev Jr. & Kendall (and woofs from Kasey, too!)
PS: Be sure to check out our family website, featuring live streaming video from our (just re-decorated for the PTA Home & Garden tour) kitchen! (The house is in foreclosure and our marriage is toast.)
Comments
Thanks for the laughs. I can rest easy when I read this years's holiday letters from friends and family because now I know how to translate all those superlatives into reality. Beats having to sit down and write a similar letter of what ( I wish) MY family life is like.
Spot on! For years we have had to bear the superlatives couched in an annual Christmas missive from former neighbors who relocated to a tony part of Montana. The son who went to West Point, the daughter who rode in 100 mile endurance races on their champion Arabian horses, the PhD professor husband, the PhD worldwide lecturer wife, who authored the damn things..... Three years ago, the letters abruptly stopped. Never heard another word, until a mutual friend told us that the husband-half of this perfect family moved back east, ALONE. You are so right, there is a backstory, and one should read attentively. As always, thanks for the great blog.
