Helicopter Parent or On Auto-Pilot: Who Are You?

Okay, here’s a term that irks me: helicopter parent. You know, the parent the media snickers about, the one who’s supposedly hovering all over his or her precious little progeny, trying to make and keep things perfect all around. It’s not behavior I’m in favor of – by any means. But a part of me resents the insinuation here. Everyone agrees that parents should be involved, and, in fact, when anything bad happens, everyone tsk tsk’s and asks ”But where were the parents and what were they thinking?” in the old blame-the-mom mode. But yet, if you’re too involved, you’re accused of hovering and catch flack for being all over your kid.

In other words: if you’re too involved, you’re a helicopter parent. But if you’re not involved enough, you’re phoning it in (i.e. on auto-pilot).

I freely admit to having spent parts of my parenting career in each camp. As for helicoptering, I sent one of my kids on an overnight school trip with a nametaped nail clipper. On the other auto-pilot extreme, I’m not proud to admit that I also once left one of them waiting for me for hours at an airport after my traveler returned from a summer trip. In my defense, that was ‘cause I totally miscalculated when the plane was supposed to land as the program materials showed it in military time (hey, there’s a reason I’m a writer and not, say, a math teacher).

Anyway, in my humble opinion, the whole over- and under-involved parenting debate is a classic “damned if you do, damned if you don’t” scenario. You just can’t win. So, how about we all agree not to play the blame game?

PS: But before we do, and since I’ve already come clean, what’s the most helicopter or auto-pilot parenting you’ve done or witnessed?

Comments

I think when most people refer to helicopter parenting they mean caring for children who are far beyond the age where it is necessary (going to your childs post college interviews, having someone home with your 16 year old child at all times b/c he coudln't possibly watch himself, having an 8 year old who can't even start to get dressed in the morning, etc.) Not just sending nail clippers (which are darn useful when your nail splits and so not helicopter material)

I have to admit, before I read your blog I had never heard the term "helicopter parenting". After reading it, I realized that a good friend of mine totally fits this description. Her daughter is in 7th grade. When she comes home from school, her mother asks all about her day and expects (and gets) in depth answers. Then they sit down and do all of her homework together. It's not unusual to hear my friend say things like, "We have so much homework tonight!" or "We have to get this done so we can study for our test." She emails her daughter's teachers non-stop as well. I give her credit for being involved, but it seems as though she has no confidence in her daughter's ability to do anything on her own. I wonder, is that what's behind helicopter parenting? No parent wants to see her child fail, but isn't that part of life? And isn't it doing a disservice to your child to hover? Is a helicopter parent nothing more than a control freak or just a loving parent? Thanks for giving me something to think about!

I understand what you are saying. There is a very fine line between the two. And both have a very important effect on children.

If you are a helicopter parent, you don't give your child the opportunity to live for themselves, which can hurt them when they are older and no longer living with you.

Yet, if you are a auto-pilot parent, your child could be making bad choices and thereofore could be ruining their life.

So it's a catch-22. You are one or the other and others will judge how you raise your kid no matter what. So I think you should parent the way you deem right and forget about what everyone else says. At the same time, you shouldn't judge other's parenting techniques.

Personally, I think going the auto-pilot technique is better. If you raise your kid right, there is nothing to worry about. Your kid will make the right decisions.

Couldn't the same argument be made for anything that has two extremes? I think the key is to be balanced, which is totally practicable. I don't think the damned-if-you-do, damned-if-you-don't theory stands up here. It's all about balance. A mom can be involved without sheltering or doing things FOR her child; she can also encourage her child to be independent without leaving him to the wolves.

As a school counselor I have seen both extremes - and both are horrible for the kids.

The one who has the too involved parents, who won't let their kids get in any trouble (though they deserve it), who won't let their kids have any responsibilities...their kids end up not having a clue once they leave home. They are SCARED of the world. They are afraid of making mistakes...which you need to make!

The ones who leave their kids to make all the decisions end up with kids who are also SCARED...kids need boundries. They need someone who makes some decisions for them. I have one boy in my class who is slowly sinking further and further into a hole. He knows it and his family know it - but they want him to take all the responsibility. If only they would have given him some boundries, he would have done fine..but without any - he's losing fast.

But these are big extremes...there are few of both luckily. Just doing one or two of the things that typify a heli or laissez-faire parent doesn't make you one

The other problem is when auto-pilot parents decide to compensate by becoming helicopter parents. I have a friend who was allowed to run wild when she was younger, but when her parents found her difficult to handle as a teenager they made her a veritable prisoner in her home. She goes nowhere without her parents. They wouldn't even let her come to my house for a few hours alone! I'm afraid when she leaves home she'll end up going completely wild...and get herself hurt in the process. It's sad to see parents act like this.

I agree with the Balance comment. I have a Daughter in grade 7 and I feel strongly that it is important for her to take responsibility and make her own decisions, if she doesn't start taking responsibility for herself now it will only be more difficult later. On the other hand I am still her Parent and she is my responsibility, so when the decision goes wrong or she needs some guidance I jump to Heli mode. Once we have successfully gotten through the situation, we discuss where she went wrong and hopefully the next time it comes up, she will have a better understanding of how to handle it on her own.

The key is balance, we should never really be at one extreme of the other, somewhere in the middle seems to work out best.

I once took the hand of a child who I thought was my 3-year old son and proceeded to walk out of a store. It wasn't until I heard the frantic screams of the child's mother (who thought her son was being kidnapped) that I realized I had swapped children.Of course, now that my son is a teenager, I sometimes think of that little boy and wonder if things would have been easier now if he were my child instead.

I was a cheerleading coach who had to deal with a SWARM of helicopter parents hovering around! They would bring their coffee & their other kids to practices & sit in the back of the gym socializing & criticizing the coaches who were teaching their children a sport they knew nothing about (but thought they did!). They also became furious when the organization's older team won at nationals! Simply because THEIR kids didn't! (Hello? Thought we were a team?!) Then they told me that because I wouldn't put the girls into yet another competition to extend their already long season (7 months) another 2 months, that I had no family values! After all, they were all a big family! I put up with these types of people for 20 years. I have finally thrown in the towel. And, no, I don't have kids of my own but don't tell me I don't understand because I haven't given birth. I've heard that one too many times as well!

I'll play:

Last year, I completely blew off the Brownie potluck dinner. Diva Girl said something about parents attending, but I didn't really pay attention and dropped her off as usual. I noticed the abundance of cars in the parking lot, wondered what that could be about for a minute, and then went on my merry way. Arrived back at pick up to find that not only had they had a potluck, they'd given out badges. oops.

Heliparents bother me though. Esp as a teacher. Do you honestly think we don't know that you "problem solved" for you kids? Does it mean that much to you to get an A in 7th grade science?

Gee- I guess maybe i shoudn't have moved into my daughters dorm with her!

One of my girlfriends could very accurately be described as a helimom. Her husband was outside in the yard watching their 3 year old at one point, and she stuck her head out the door to chide him "John! Don't let him run! He's wearing new shoes and he'll fall down!" John, meanwhile, was standing roughly .3 feet away from the kid.

My husband and I joked later that when the kid is 13, he's going to fall down one day and say "Hey! How come nobody caught me!"

I would love to read the comment of the (adult) child of either type of parent. I also think that the end result, the successful outcome, is something like 50% genetics based. Somestimes, as parents, we cannot take the credit nor the blame.

There is going to be a spin-off of Despetate Housewives which addresses this issue. It will be called Desperate Parents.

Two things I want to share:

1. "Shared Heliocoptering Duty" with a good, trust-worthy friend who is a parent with a child your child's age, can be helpful. Sometimes an impartial person can lend insight to thorny issues.

2. And eventually your kids learn to fly on their own, whether you like it or not. Just make sure that they have their own set of wings and then they will soar!

my hovering husband, who only wanted our college freshman daughter to wear the super thick ski gloves thathe lovingly bought for her that we all absolutely detested. he insisted that shewear them in order to protect herself from the cold, not realizing that these gloves were so un-hot.

I'm almost 59 and I heard you this morning. Thank God I did and thank you for your presentation! I don't want to write a book about this or seem ungrateful, but I've lived in this situation all my life. I wasn't a healthy child, and when I was in high school I started on the road to hell with epilepsy. I am very grateful that my Mom was there because if she hadn't been I would be dead by now. But there have been some days when I've felt that death would have been the better alternative.v Mom had kept me under thumb all of my life. She's a good person - an overachiever - but after two failed marriages and never being well enough to break away all I can say is that it's been unbelievably hard and I truely thought that it was all me all my life. Needless to say that's what I've been told endlessly. I don't want to carry on but you have truely given me hope that down deep I AM NORMAL. There were days when I felt like commiting suicide, but I'm not that kind of person - I prayed . Thanks
M Wintle

I'm coming way late to this dance, but I was the worst Tooth Fairy in the history of tooth fairies. My daughter woke up in the morning to find her note and tooth still there. So while she was brushing her one-tooth-fewer teeth, I scrambled to leaves some money and then told her to check again because sometimes the Tooth Fairy can't get to all the teeth before morning.