The Getting-Ready-To-Go-Out Tango

This past weekend we had a big party to go to (the invitation said “cocktail attire,” a clue that my typical sweat-pants-and-fleece attire wouldn’t cut it). If there is a clearer illustration of the differences between the sexes, I am hard-pressed to come up with one more so than the whole getting-ready-to-go-out song-and-dance routine. In our house, it looked like this:

Party Called for: 7:00 PM
(Yarnell ETA: 7:45 PM)

5:00 PM
Me: Study up for conversational tidbits on news of day with review of periodicals (People, US Weekly, Star magazine, etc.) while nails dry.
Him: AWOL

5:30 PM
Me: Try on first outfit (tea-length sleeveless black dress).
Him: AWOL

6:00 PM
Me: Try on second outfit alternative (silk black pants with white lace top).
Him: Returns from work out and flops on newly dry cleaned bedspread.

6:15 PM
Me: Try on third outfit alternative (short black lace dress).
Him: Flips through TV channels.

6:25 PM
Me: Discover run in only pair of clean sheer black pantyhose.
Him: Complains about not bring able to wear jeans.

6:30 PM
Me: Shower with fancy schmancy soap lifted from last hotel stayed at and celeb-hawked shampoo and conditioner-du-jour), followed by moisturizing, toning, and cleansing skin, spritzing on some eau de parfum, carefully applying make-up, and drying hair before coaxing it into a “style.”
Him: Showers with water, slivers of leftover soap, and Costco private label shampoo, towel-dries skin and hair, and returns to channel surfing.

7:00 PM
Me: Put first outfit back on. Consider wearing rhinestoned flip-flops before resigning self to sucking it up and stuffing my tender tootsies into pointy high heels. Reach for seldom-used stilettos stored high up in closet and dislodge one that promptly goes into free-fall, impaling my forehead.
Him: Tries (and keeps on) first and only wardrobe choice: a suit.

7:15 PM
Me: Pop two aspirins, select arm candy big enough for my cell phone, and warn Him I absolutely can not fit the car keys in it, too.
Him: Plops back on bed for more channel-flipping.

7:30 PM
In Transit
Me: Obsessively inspect forehead in car mirror and worry that everyone will think stiletto impalment bump really a big zit.
Him: Flips through the radio channels and assures me I look fine.

7:45 PM
Arrive at Destination
Me: Promptly discard high heels and rearrange bangs to camouflage red bump in middle of forehead.
Him: Disappears to bar and goes AWOL.

We meet up an hour later. “Where were you?” I ask. “God, what’s that big lipstick smudge on your forehead?” he replies.

Comments

Your husband wore a suit - without any nagging from you? Can I marry him the next time around?

My husband is so high maintenance he always takes 1.5 hours to get ready and by the time he's ready to go and done monopolizing the bathroom I have 20 minutes til we have to be there before getting ready! his hair has to be perfect, nails trimmed and filed, and everything else tweezed, plucked and primped then he always brings down 2 or 3 shirts for me to pick from and then always picks the one that I like the least! So maybe you should try to be happy that your hubby is low maintenance - at least you still get to look good when you go out. He always looks fabolous and I always look like a ran home from the office late and threw on some clothes! Oh well, if he did't look that good when I met him I probably wouldn't have gone out with him in the first place.

Completely relatable. Men just don't get it.

This is my life exactly, maybe substitute the "heel mark on the forehead" with a burn mark from the curling iron...

Im 21...married with young child. I only WISH I could take the time and care that I used to to get ready. Oh WAIT!!! I no longer have the luxery of going out to cocktail clothes wearing parties so there is no NEED to get ready! Plus! I wish my husband was home right now! Military life is a drag sometimes. Gone for 7 months...Point im trying to make...enjoy it...dont complain about it.

Stephanie, Even as I was writing this, I knew how fortunate I was to have my husband around to (good naturedly, I hope) poke a little fun at, but thanks for reminding us all to count our blessings. I hope your husband will be home safe and sound before you know it, and that you'll be able to dress up together for a night on the town to celebrate! All best, Laurie

Hi SMALLTOWNGAL, You are too kind...just 'cause I use the time doesn't mean it shows (I wish)! But I can't believe your husband does the shirt thing, too. Why do they bother asking us if they are just going to end up puting on the one we like least? From now on, I'm telling him I like the purple polka dotted one BEST to make sure it doesn't leave our house...Cheers, Laurie

My husband dolls up before going to the
store for goodness sake. Sometimes I
will run his errands just so I don't
have to see him spend an hour getting
ready to go out and do them. I will go
out looking any old kind of way. After
raising two boys, you learn to not worry
so much about how you look while you're
trying to get a job done. Yes, I would
ideally like to look my best, but it's
much better just to tend to business.