(3) ...send your teenaged son on the ski team overnight with clip-on mittens?

(4) ...suggest your middle schooler’s civic textbook as the next selection for your book group?

(5) ...feng shui your Freshman’s dorm room?

(6) ...request that your fifth grader’s desk be moved away from the window and “out of the draft?”

(7) ...nametape your 14-year-old daughter’s shoelaces?

(8) ...cut the crusts off your six-foot-tall son’s submarine sandwiches?

(9) ...reply ”we almost have our essay done” when asked about your high school senior’s college plans?

(10) ...order the Little League T-shirt in a larger size for yourself? And you wear it to all the games? To which you bring homemade chocolate chip cookies for the coach?

If you answered “yes” to three or less of the above, there’s still hope for you to have a healthy relationship with what’s-their-names – you know, your kids.

If you answered “yes” to seven or more of the above, it may be time for you to surgically detach yourself from your offspring.

Laurie’s Reel Thing Chick Flick Review: "Because I Said So"

Here’s the deal: I had been dying to see this movie since I first spotted the previews back when I was able to bite into a Snickers bar circa Halloween ’06 without cracking a tooth. First off, the title is brilliant. And then, I loved Diane Keaton in “Something’s Gotta Give” (who didn’t?). So I made plans to see "Because I Said So" with my sister the day after it opened.

But that morning, I woke to a review in my local paper that called the movie “excruciating.” Hoo boy. That did give pause. (I didn’t recall ever having seen that adjective in print about a big comedy before.) So, like the lemming I can be, I wimped out and convinced my sister to see “Catch and Release” instead (which was surprisingly good, even touching, BTW).

I finally made it to “Because I Said So” the following week, after having exhausted all possible alternatives. And let me go on the record here as saying that that’ll teach me not to listen to a reviewer with a Y chromosome about any future romantic comedies. Granted, “Because I Said So” was not the best example of the much-maligned chick flick genre that I have ever seen. And yes, Keaton was a little (okay, a lot) over-the-top and slap-sticky (her character was a pastry chef and the sight gags with her dropping and/or falling into her elaborate themed cakes got old, fast). But hey, it was cute and we laughed.

And, if you’ve ever been, had, or known a teenaged or older daughter, you will so totally relate to the crazy love that makes a mom do the sometimes nutty things she does for (or to) her little-girl-all-grown-up, because she just wants her to be happy. (Is that so much to ask?) Plus, Mandy Moore’s rocker boy love interest Gabriel Macht is a hottie.

So yes, go see this movie. Why? (You knew this was coming): Because I said so.

Forecast Frenzy

As I write this on Wednesday afternoon, we’re in the throes of our first Snow Day (actually, that would be Freezing-Sleet-and-Hail Day) of the season here in the New York ‘burbs.

Of course, with even the hint of precipitation in the forecast, the weather hype started to kick into full gear Tuesday morning. You know (cue ominous music here): “We interrupt this 'my-slutty-ex-best-friend-slept-with-my-babysitter’s-boyfriend’s-work-buddy' program to bring you the latest breaking news on 'Winter Storm Watch '07.' Don't change that channel!” Indeed, the whole weather biz has gotten so whacked out that the meteorologists (that would be the weather folks to you and me) routinely try to whip us up into a lather about conditions predicted for eight days out, all the better to keep us glued to the tube.

In fact, they’ve gotten so far ahead of themselves and so precise lately that one day soon I predict we’ll be hearing reports about 12 snowflakes scheduled to fall on the south side of Maple Avenue next Tuesday at 7:13 pm. (Until then, hope you’re safe, warm, and dry wherever you are!)

PS: And while I’m on the subject of forecast frenzy, what’s up with all those people charging the grocery stores to stock up at the first whimper of foul weather? Here’s my little secret for avoiding that whole mass supermarket mania: Parmalat milk in the boxes; stays for months in the pantry without refrigeration. Stock up on a few of these babies and voila! The running-out-of-milk problem solved.

Married-Speak for "I Love You"

Yes, of course I love all that hearts and flowers stuff. But this year, instead of a box of chocolates, a dozen roses, or a romantic dinner a deux, I am hoping and hinting for an expression of my Valentine’s feelings that’ll have a longer shelf life than a carton of yogurt.

So honey, if you’re reading this, don’t bother saying it with flowers. And forget cheesy proclamations of undying love and devotion. Just liberally sprinkle these handy phrases throughout our day-to-day life; in married-speak, each translates loud and clear to “I love you”:

“That’s all you bought?”

“You are so right. About everything.”

PS: And now a special shout out to my Valentine:
I love you, honey! (Whoops, I mean, “Of course your parents can come and stay for a month!” and ”Wow. Look at your muscles!")

Day Three of Detox

I’m cranky. I can't think straight. And I’m bouncing off the walls. It's Day Three of Detox, and I’m channeling Diana Ross in the movie “Lady Sings the Blues,” when she’s going cold turkey in her padded jail cell. Forget cigarettes, Jimmy Choos, or crack cocaine. Caffeine has got me in its grip. And hello, I know I’m not the only one. A super-sized coffee-to-go has become the accessory-du-jour for celeb and soccer moms alike.

Yup, a cup of joe is definitely my own mother’s little helper. It started innocently enough when my kids were small – one cup to get me up enough to gently shove 'em onto the school bus, another later in the day to push me through the carpooling, and lots in between. But because my doctor says caffeine is causing my sleepless nights, I've decided to embark on my own personal rehab – cutting down on the number of cups I drink per day, switching to a half-caffeine, half-decaf brew, and even buying caffeine-free Diet Pepsi. Though I’ll NEVER give up that morning mug, I am cutting back.

So how’s it going? Well, just today I showed up at the wrong time for a hair appointment, took a DVD back to Blockbusters only to find the box was empty, AND tried to return something from Staples to CVS. Fortunately, after giving up on getting anything done, my friend Lucy, home nursing the flu, called to ask would I mind picking her up a pound of ground Starbucks house blend? Mind? One good ten-minute whiff of the air in my local Starbucks and I felt positively revived.

So now that I’m breaking my grip on my drug of choice, I’m looking for a good substitute. Please, please, please tell me they make caffeine-free chocolate.

When You Gotta Go, You Gotta Go, Girl!

We’re sitting in a production of Les Miz on Broadway, closing in on intermission. “Get ready,” I whisper frantically to my husband, sitting on the aisle. “The minute she sings that last note, I’m climbing over you and sprinting up the aisle.” He looks at me like I am possessed. “Whaddya mean? What’s the rush?” What’s the RUSH? Any woman reading this knows just the rush I am talking about. Intermission means the mad dash to get on line for the ladies room.

Okay, the curtain's closing, the lights are going up, and it's go, go, go! But, invariably, by the time I sprint down the aisle and to the facilities located in the bowels of the theater, there's already a line of 67 other women snaking along the hallway leading to the ladies room. Yet, just a few guys are self-consciously slipping in and out of the men's room.

So what’s up with that exactly? Don’t real guys relieve themselves? And haven’t they heard of what we moms call the “preventative pee” – as in, “go now even if you don’t have to ‘cause who knows when you’ll have another opportunity”?

PS: And why can’t theaters build bigger ladies rooms anyway?

Bottoms Up! A Top Notch Idea

Okay, let’s file this idea under “why’d they take so long to come up with it?” Apparently, the next new thing on the consumer horizon is the negative-calorie drink. Chug down one of these babies, like Celsius or Envgia, and you apparently actually burn calories (supposedly 77 calories for 12 ounces of the former, and 60 to 100 for three 12-ounce cans of the latter).

The people who are paid the big bucks for thinking up ideas like these in order to get some of our hard-earned cash into their companies’ hot little hands, call this “value-added marketing.” I am personally ALL over this concept. I say, let my products work for me. The possibilities are endless: a couch that cures your cellulite when you lie on it to watch a beeped-over Idol-wannabe curse out Simon, a trashy gossip mag that boosts your IQ when you check out the latest celeb “before” plastic surgery pix, the SUV that zaps zits and wrinkles as you carpool the kids to karate.

In fact, you know what would be really great? A piece of furniture that babysat the kiddies and kept them entertained 24/7 so we could chug our negative-calorie drinks while reading our IQ-enhancing celeb rags on our cellulite-busting couches. (Whoops. My bad. Those clever little marketers already came up with the TV.)

PS: So what fab new product would you be willing to part with big bucks for?

Laurie’s Reel Thing Chick Flick Review: "Notes on a Scandal"

The other afternoon, my pal Ellen (one of my main chick flick companions) and I caught a showing of “Notes on a Scandal.”Whoa. Talk about tension. This movie had me from the get-go – and then it just didn’t let go. All right, in the interest of full disclosure, I didn’t technically see the first seven-and-a-half minutes of it because by mistake I first went to our usual (and in this case, wrong) theater (you know, the one with the free parking) but Ellen did an admirable job of quickly whispering me up to speed.

“Notes” is not fluffy, romantic comedy fare (not that there’s anything wrong with that; I'll give up snaps for a good “Legally Blonde”-type flick any day). It is definitely on the dark side. But boy, talk about wicked fun. Right from the start (okay, right from the time I came in late), I was HOOKED. The whole thing is just so perfectly suspenseful and creepy. Another of my friends called it disturbing and hard to watch, which yes, it can be – there’s a teacher/student liason, an unrequited lesbian love thing, and some major stalking going on – but personally, I was totally engrossed. I am not going to ruin it here for you, but basically the Cate Blanchette character is being emotionally blackmailed by the Judi Dench character (and for the record, they both SO deserve their Oscar nominations; their performances are brilliant). Judi knows a secret about Cate that could cause her whole life to implode – or as the movie ads say, “One person’s mistake is another’s opportunity.”

The whole fragile alliance unravels after a classic mom dilemma scene. Cate’s in the car with her family rushing to see her son’s play and Judi appears and begs her to accompany her instead to the vet, to help her deal with her beloved cat being put to sleep. You can see Cate-as-mummy really struggling here, but you just know she has no choice. Apparently Judi's character didn't get the memo: the cute child always trumps the whacked out blackmailer, no matter how juicy the goods she has on mumsy.

So tell me: if you’ve seen “Notes,” whaddya think? (And, if you haven’t, GO!)

PS: Ellen and I both agreed that our particular other halves would’ve hated “Notes,” but I can definitely see where some guys would like it. Your call; you know your own significant other better than moi.

Parenting Paradoxes to Ponder

Here are a couple of parenting paradoxes to ponder. Can anyone please tell me why:

1A) The more annoying the toy, the longer its life span.
Or, on the other hand:
1B) The more educational/productive the toy, the sooner it dies.

And what about:

2A) The more expensive the piece of clothing, the greater likelihood of it going AWOL.
Or, its flip-side:
2B) Why don’t they ever lose the hand-me-downs, only the full-price splurges?

Just curious. Any thoughts?