Alpha or Slacker Mom: Recognize Anyone?

Welcome to the next big skirmish in the so-called "Mommy Wars": the all-perfect, always-matching "Alpha moms" vs. the more relaxed, go with the flow "Slacker moms".

(Check out the video from the Today Show!)

The Alpha mom has been showing up with increasing regularity recently on both the playground and in the pages of all the parenting magazines. But some recent trends suggest a backlash: hence, the rise in the number of moms who say they are "Slackers" and proud of it. And guess what? While no one is saying that one mothering style is superior to the other, some experts suggest that there are actually real benefits to getting in touch with your Slacker side. Kids whose moms back off a bit and let them do more for themselves may have more opportunities to learn from both their successes and their failures and thus develop greater self-confidence and independence.

So, in one corner, meet the dot every “i” and cross every “t” Alpha mom. If parenting were a class in school, she’d be the one going for every last extra-credit point. Alphas hand out home-grown organic carrots (“nature’s own candy”) for Halloween, shelve their toddler’s picture books according to the Dewy Decimal System, and color-code their carpool schedules, in triplicate.

And in the other corner? Meet the way, way laid back and oh-so-mellow Beta or Slacker mom. She’s the one content to squeak by with a passing grade in Motherhood 101. Slackers leave an open box of Lucky Charms on their doorsteps for Trick or Treaters, conveniently place their kids’ library on the bathroom floor, and use the back of the carpool schedule to write a note to the teacher about why Fruit By The Foot should be considered a school-friendly healthy snack.

If Alphas are overly involved in every last bit of minutia in their kids’ lives, right down to personalizing each goody bag with glued on rhinestones, Slackers are content to take things as they come (what goody bags?). Alphas get the job done AND everything matches. Slackers get the job done, too—the results just may not be pretty.

Not sure where you fit in? Take our quiz to find out if your an Alpha mom or a Slacker mom. Then, once you know your parenting style, post it loud and proud on our "Are you an 'Alpha mom' or a 'Slacker mom' " poll!

Comments

I would have thouht the slacker mom was the one whose kids have the funky smelling socks. Heck, a clean mismatched socks is better than a smelly matching one

please dont let such a frivilous thind=g rate mothering skills

need to nurture the inner spirit and see how they can be helped into becoming who they SHOULD be... not who we want them to be.

I reside somewhere in the middle. I leave a bowl of candy at the door with the light on for Halloween!

I would think that the majority of us are somewhere in between these two extremes. We do enough to keep order and cleanliness in our homes and teach good habits but not so much as to overpower and dominate our kids by not allowing them to think and make decisions for themselves. There is definitely a happy medium!

About those socks.... did you all know that nowadays they actually sell three mismatched socks as an interchangable set. Yep. My kind of socks. There was always one sock missing when I did my kids wash. If they never have to match anyway , what's the big deal ?

Wonder why none of the men's sites talk about Alpha Dads and Slacker Dads? In our house, we share responsibility for the kids so no one is overwhelmed--well, at least not _all_ the time!

These quizzes can be cute- but Alpha mom vs. slacker? Which desperate housewife are you? Are you sexy or sweet? These labels and categories are bad for all women's self esteem, as we all evolve and change and have many facets to our personality.

The only place I'm seeing these so-called "mommy wars" is in the media, which is deliberately trying to fuel a nonexistent controversy. That said, "Slacker Moms" denotes a negative connotation and invokes visions of dirty, neglected children. A more apt term would be "Laid-Back Moms". Our kids are just as well-cared-for without all the unnecessary extraneous junk complicating our lives. As long as my kid's books are put away, I could care less if they're alphabetized.

I can't believe that we're expending our precious energy and time, labeling and fighting with other moms re: this issue. It doesn't matter why "Type" we are - we all have different skills and utilize those skiils to the best of our family and personal beliefs. Let's just leave it at that!!!

your quiz was a joke.i loked at it but did not answer as not answer fit my description. this whole mommy wars is a joke that has been going on for 25 years now.yes...it started when my oldest was born!

all moms are all types at one time or another.why do we have to be labled...we are all good moms.

ps...i am a "slacker" mom according to you & darn proud of it

At first I thought the quiz would be fun, but the two choice answers for each question were so far out extremes that no answer seemed fitting for any of the questions... except glitter names on favor bags, I've done that. Based on the description they're giving I'd self-admittedly be an alpha-mom. However I didn't care for their conclusion that being an alpha mom leads to the assumption that you're on your child's back. My son is usually very self-directed and self-controlled and he's only four. I think that is in part due to my willingness to go the extra mile as a mom. That is very different from dictating and controlling your child. If an alpha mom is the mom that tries to get an A in mothering 101 as they say... why would their goal be to create a child that can't think for themselves, that's contradictory...don't you think?

But I'm a beta mom and my kid is more self directed

Slacker Moms, please I think most Mom's do the best they can. I had 3 babies in 15 months and then 2 more 5 years later. I felt as though it was more important to spend time with my children then clean my house every day. We all have our ideas on what is important. I now have 5 grandchildren and I would rather spend time with them than clean my house. Maybe in the millenium that will be a priority.

EOH, Mother of 5 and grandmother of 5 so far.

I consider myself a little bit of both, no I am not putting cereal on the door step for Halloween but then I am not handing out organic veggies either. I let him have lifes pleasures but make sure he is healthy and taken care of at the same time. It is all about keeping it equal, not all work and not all play.

I was disappointed that beta moms were given the name "slacker" moms. Why were the alpha moms without a demeaning nickname? Alpha moms could be called "uptight" moms or "Martha Stewart" moms. I think all "good" moms make their children a priority. How we accomplish all the tasks is a function of the support we have and the needs of our family at the moment.

Yet another ridiculous, artificial "conflict" in the media-created "mommy wars." I was supremely grateful to Isabel Kallman for refusing to take the bait, and continuing to stick to her guns, repeatedly stating that we all, as mothers, do the best we can for our children, with their best interests at heart, and that there IS NO "MOMMY-WAR." We as mothers have far more in common than not, and tend to support each other more than not.

Where is the raging media debate over what "type" of FATHER is better or worse? This whole thing is just ridiculous, and preys on our insecurities in the area where we're most vulnerable--our children.

A big thumbs-down from me on this whole mess, from iVillage to "Today" to Meredith Vieira.

I think that with today's teens... there's a definate need for a little bit of alpha mom in every slacker mom.
You HAVE to be there for your kids... checking up on them. And keeping tabs on them. That's why they're called "kids".

Crime levels are generally on the rise... so is the percentage of teens who are caught up in substance abuse... alcoholism... and I won't even get started on STI rates among teens. A LOT of these problems could be avoided if people paid some more attention to thier kids. I'm all for moms who have a life (ie slacker moms) ...cuz you have to take care of you before you can take care of anyone else...but just so long as they realise that thier children are an invaluable part of thier life.

I'm a teacher who deals with 12-16 year olds every single day.I've seen the damage that too much "slacker" can do. And while it may very well be a good point that the kids of more "easy going" moms tend to learn from thier failures, I think that some mistakes shouldn't have be made at all.

When Merridith first said the term "Slacker term" I thought she was talking about a mom who didn't care a bit about their children, and allow their kids to run wild. Her definition of Slacker mom is not the same of mine.
I am not total "Alpha-Mom", but I am not a slacker mom either. I am in between. I know where and what my children are doing. I orgnanize everything we need. I homeschool my children as well, however; with that, we also have our laid back and fun time as well. While their socks are always clean and never mis-matched, we don't panic over it.
This quiz certainly went to the extremes, either you were lazy and a slob or you were June Cleaver.

Thanks everyone for reading and offering your thoughtful comments. I totally agree that the word "slacker" can be seen as offensive; the media's running with it because it's snappier than "beta." Personally, I prefer using "beta mom" or even my own term, "auto-pilot parent" (as opposed to "helicopter mom") but because the TV segment was so short, they cut out this part (and most!) of my comments. I do also strongly believe that both types of moms -- the more intensely involved, dot every "i" alpha and the more laid back beta -- are doing great jobs at raising their kids during an often tough time to be a mom. So, kudos to us all! Cheers, Laurie

Why, then, if we're ALL "doing great jobs at raising [our] kids" regardless of our approach, must these divisive, artificial distinctions be drawn? It's ridiculous. I know you're not responsible for the tenor of the "Today" piece, but I and many other "mommybloggers" (ugh) found it just reprehensible. One step forward, two steps back.

The quiz was silly, but Alpha's definately exist. It is probably a matter of degrees. In my old neighborhood, I may have been considered a bit of an Alpha because I am quite involved in my kids activities, schools, and work hard to keep my house and life organized. Then, three years ago, I innocently moved to a neighborhood of with lots of major Alpha's (they might have been called social climbers in another generation). They are horrible. These women are elitist and competitive about every minutia from treats to kid's activities, clothes, parties, and grades. They constantly micromanage their kids lives to the point that they have no time to be kids. The kids are immature snobs (I've never seen so many 10 year old "mean girls" in my life.) Thank God there are a few normal moms here, but I spend a lot of time driving my kids away from this neighborhood. Hard-core Alpha's are obnoxious.

It's no wonder people are getting more and more comfortable with an Orwellian society. The kids every move and experience are choreographed by well meaning limited parents.

You can't change who you are so you are either an alpha or a beta. What bothers me about the beta moms is that, like our neighbor, this woman yaks on the phone all day, can't pick up a newspaper and/or the mail. Her kids use the neighborhood as their playground and have been taught that it's okay to leave their toys all over people's yards.
That to me is not even an alpha or a beta, but a a lazy mom.

I think I'm somewhere in the middle and I'm fine with that my husband works nights so I'm the main child caregiver in the home so yes some days I do enjoy just sitting around and doing nothing and I dont think there is anything wrong with that and my son is just fine I can get a little anal about clean clothes and healthy fruits and vegetables so I'd say I'm in the middle and a-ok with that :)

Either slacker or alpha is too much. I have always done what could accomodate my schedule. Sometimes home made cookies, and sometimes I forget who needs to be at what field. The only thing that needs to be constant is support and parameters for your children. I told my boys my job is to get them to the point that they don't need me anymore. In a few years I will know if I have done my job.

that quiz wasn't very good. Most of my answers were in the middle. What does that make me? I think a healthy balanced middle is that best for kids. Let them do their own thing but also teach them about being organized and how well it lets your life run.

Ok, I guess I am in the minority here. I think what the blogger is going for is a little tongue in cheek. Sorry the alpha moms missed that. That said, I am a self-proclaimed slacker, right down to the socks. If we start taking these "wars" seriously and get all huffy about the labels society and the media want to put on us, then maybe there is some truth to them and we actually live up to them just a tad too much. Ya think? Now if you don't mind, I am heading over to my blog to post a mockery about all the hype just as this blogger did.

My socks are never matched and frankly, as long as my son is reading the books I don't care what order they are in. While I appreciate accommodation in the comment "we all do what we can" that begins to sound like an insult. The fabulously different moms out there give me hope when they do it their way. Its beautiful, I don't care what else you call it.

I agree with Nikki. If you can't laugh at yourself once in a while, then you definitely need to slacken up a little! We all know that proverbial Alpha Mom...that mom who always makes us look bad when she arrives at the preschool Christmas party with made-from-scratch handpainted sugar cookies personalized for each student. And the Slacker Mom (myself) who stopped at COSTCO on the way over for a box of brownie bites. (which the kids liked better, by the way.)I used to be an Alpha Mom, two kids ago. Now I'm much too tired. But even though I've converted to Slackerism, I still have lots of Alpha Mom friends. Variety is the spice of life! Labels, schmabels. Who cares? Laugh and forget about it! Live by the wisdom of Popeye: "I am what I am." It's not a great debate.
(For those of you who find the term "Slacker Mom" offensive, you are not a true Slacker. We Slackers are too laid back to care. We're too busy laughing at the Anal, I mean, Alpha Moms.)

I wanted to add that what I interpret from Laurie's post is, Moderation In All Things. We don't have to be perfect mothers to be good mothers. And sometimes trying to be perfect puts too much pressure not only on ourselves, but also our children. The media debate was regarding the fact that the Alpha mom generation is now realizing that fact, and they are starting to loosen up a little. And that's a good thing...because as we have been told since we were tots, "Nobody's perfect."
Motherhood is not a competition, and it is not restricted to one single parenting style. We can be fabulous mothers whether we are Slackers, Alphas, or something in between. I believe that is the point being made here.

My name is Molly Sebastian, and I am a Casting Producer working on a documentary-style television show that airs on ABC Television. We are looking for dynamic families with interesting and unique lifestyles to feature on our program. I came across your contact information online while doing research on women’s organizations and social clubs. It would be wonderful to find a strong minded woman and her family. We embrace women with interesting passions and views.

The documentary-style show is called “Wife Swap.” Please don’t be thrown off by the title – it is a family-centered program that airs on ABC primetime. The premise is simple: two moms from two different families have the opportunity to swap lives for a week to experience what it’s like to live a different lifestyle. The goal of the swap is for both families to take away something positive from the experience – both by teaching another family about their beliefs and values, and by learning something new about the way other people live.

I was hoping to enlist your help getting the word out about this opportunity. I understand that many individuals who are involved in certain groups prefer not to be contacted and consider many opportunities spam– which I totally respect. Of course, appearing on television is not for everyone! However, I’m sure this is would be interesting and adventurous for someone you may know. By casting a wide net, it’s my hope that I can find a family who would be excited about bringing their lifestyle to another family, and the rest of the country. The ideal family would delight in the opportunity to share their views publicly and be comfortable speaking candidly about their beliefs and philosophies.

Our show is looking for a family where there are at least two parents living in the home, and at least one child between the ages of 5-18 who resides there full time. Families who are chosen to participate on the show receive a $20,000 honorarium. Referrals for great families are always welcome, and if an individual refers a family that is selected for the show, we will give them a $1,000 finder’s fee.

Interested families can reach me ASAP at (646) 747 7945 and if it’s after 6pm, please call my cell at 786-385-6339 or email me at molly.sebastian@rdfnewyork.com AND mollysebastian@yahoo.com. Thank you in advance for your help, and please don’t hesitate to contact me with any questions or feedback.

Sincerely,
Molly Sebastian

I'm 24 and not anywhere near being a mom...& I took the test just for the fun of it by guessing what I would do in such situations based on my character & guess what it predicts I would be an "alpha" mom... lol... yeah right, I hardly have my own life organized but yeah, I do try... hard (too hard sometimes) which is why I totally see why someone here said "happy middle area"... I suppose that's where we should all aim to be for whatever we do really~ too much of anything can't possibly be good... but no mother is "perfect" and few are really that terrible anyway... so as an only daughter who a a very "alpha" mommy (lol... shush don't tell her I said that) & on behalf of every son & daughter... just wanna say a big thank you for all the effort you've put into and continue to put into us...

My mom was definately a beta mom. I wont say slacker, because she gave me what I needed most as a child. That would be LOVE, the first and absolutely most important thing. Along with acceptance, guidance and support. She is MY HERO to this day, and always will be, period. And of course I love her. I have an aunt who is one of your alpha moms. As long as everything in the house is in place and "perfect"- to a strangers eyes, then she is perfect as well. Her children are grown, but they dont even know her as a person. Its really sad to see. She is just someone that lives in the house and makes their beds everyday and does their laundry. She cleans and dusts too much. More like a maid than a parent. I am forever grateful that I got the mom I did. She taught me to laugh at myself and not to take life too seriously. She has always been my inspiration through the good times, and the bad times. In short I love her for not being perfect.

It's all about balance!

i don't think the quiz is verry good since i tend to do niether of the answers that r on the quiz so i chose the closest thing(if it even came close) most i would do somthing else completely!!!!!!!!!

I agree with phirelioness, there were no in-between answers to choose from. I dress up for Halloween and decorate the outside of my house really creepy. Some neighbors won't do anything because they think it's evil. Look it up. It's not, and the kids LOVE it. Kids aren't given enough opportunity to be kids. I wouldn't think of giving a healthy snack at Halloween. It's all about the candy and the parent's responsibility to ration.
Some of the moms are way too serious on the blog. And what about those of us (probably the majority of Moms) that are "Fun Moms" neither slacker nor Martha Stewart. My 10 year old daughter told me that the kids in her 5th grade class love me, and think I must be in my twenties... I'm forty-four, still alive, and having lots of fun, showing all the kids love and compassion for others, kindness and how to pay it forward when someone does something nice for you. Also how to be safe, not scared of every stranger. In my opinion, kids need guidance, honesty and love when it comes to life.

thanks

Yeah,I am a mother of one boy and one girl. I have to say I agree with alot of the people on here who wrote comments. I got labled as an Alpha Mom but guess what I am not either. I'm not even on the PTA. And I certainly give out candy not veggies on Halloween...LOL. Also, there are alot of times I would rather go outside and play with my kids and laugh rather then being inside making sure everything is perfect...sometimes there are more important things in life. Like alot of you said I am in the middle. You are definitly right, this is a big joke. As long as your kids are first priorty and at best interest I dont think it really matters how you do it as long as you do the best you can. It's important for everyone to have order and happiness. So just cause you cant or dont want to be perfect one day doesnt meen you are a slacker...or in my case doesnt meen I am an Alpha Mom...I would never had guessed I was an Alpha Mom...LOL.