The Slacker Mom Thing: The Sequel

Now that all the excitement over my fleeting fame on “The Today Show” last Friday has died down, some more thoughts on the whole alpha vs. slacker mom thing.

To review: the aired segment was three minutes long, my appearance just a fraction of that. The taping, during which I answered assorted questions, lasted about 45 minutes. So, even I can do the math: lots of what I said was left on the cutting room floor.

One thing which I had anticipated would stir up some controversy was the use of the term slacker itself. And, I believe, rightly so. “Slacker,” with its negative connotation, is not a term I would personally have chosen to describe the opposite of the so-called alpha mom. “Beta” would have been a better, less offensive choice for all the more mellow, laid back moms out there. Unfortunately, slacker just has a snazzier sound to it, and because of that, it seems to be the term that much of the media has embraced.

Part of what I said that didn’t make it into the piece is that a slacker mom is not comatose, neglectful, or abusive – she just cuts herself some slack in that not everything she does has to look or be perfect. I also added that both kinds of moms get the job done, and that indeed, on the alpha/slacker continuum, most moms falls somewhere in between, myself included, depending upon what’s happening in their lives and those of their kids. It goes without saying that a mom of younger children is going to be more intensely involved in their lives than one whose kids are older; ditto if one’s child has or is experiencing any particular difficulties or challenges.

In fact, for these reasons and others, I prefer describing the two ends of the mothering style continuum as “helicoptering” (e.g. hovering closely over one’s children) and, a term I coined in this blog earlier this year, “on auto-pilot.” I like to think of myself as more of an auto-pilot mom. If parenting is the ultimate road trip, auto-pilot moms keep a lighter touch on the steering wheel; they set a course and watch it unfold. If everything is humming along with their kids, they don’t feel the need to intervene. But if one of them encounters a traffic jam, roadblock, or other obstruction, the auto-pilot mom jumps in and overrides the automatic steering system to take a more active role.

Whatever term we use – or don’t use – to describe our own mothering style, I say kudos to us all for the great (and all too frequently unacknowledged) jobs we’re doing to raise our kids.

PS: And yes, being on TV was a blast! Thank you to “The Today Show” for inviting me to weigh in on this topic on the air.

Comments

I like the "helicopter" vs. "auto-pilot" analogy, and have always veered toward the autopilot end of the spectrum most of the time - especially now, with one college-graduate child and two stepkids whose father takes the parenting lead in our home.

My neighbor (a teacher) is concerned about a rampant sense of entitlement pervading groups of kids at school. She says that even those who are relatively polite are quick to sulk or be ill tempered when not getting their way.

She also says that "helicopter" as well as "auto-pilot" parents can contribute to the problem. The teacher notes that the parents who hover are so invested in every aspect of the kid's life that they live through the child. The "auto-pilots" can sometimes be so invested in their own careers that they compensate with the currency that comes with careers...money.

Both ends of the spectrum can believe that the menial chores which are a part of life will forever be done by someone of a lower social strata. Some parents are teaching their children that they need not learn to cook, clean, do laundry or yardwork because it will forever be done by someone else. Entitlement. Many kids feel so entitled to a life without chores that they're irritated when asked to perform one.

What concerns me is how programmed kids are today...but you can't blame the parents because colleges expect so much of their applicants these days. Parents feel the need to find something(s)in which their children will excel to differentiate them from the pool of applicants.

Oh I like that! I encounter many helicopter moms, who tend to go into overdrive when they realize I'm Deaf (my kids can hear) and they think they have to hover even more since I'm apparently going to miss something (not likely), or worse, they need to be my role model. Sorry, but I'm really and truly just fine with your kid yanking away my kid's toy. My kid knows how to ask respectfully (in kiddish anyway) for someone to return their property or they know to grab a different toy nearby and invent a game to play together. And I don't need you jumping into the mix, overcorrecting your kid and directing them to apologize.